Thursday, December 5, 2013
Sunday, July 7, 2013
A beautiful hindi poetry on "money" by my friend Aastha Singh
Tere rang k aage phika pada har rishta
Use thukraya sabne jiski kismat mein tu na tha
Tu ho to chain sukoon nahi
Tu na ho to roshan kitno ke ghar nahi
Tune looti farishton ki niyaat
Har shaks ki dua mein hai tu banke chahat
Kitno ko kiya tune beghar barbaad
Kuch zindagiyaan tune banayi sukhi aabad
Zamane ko kharida tune par rooh na kharid paya
Wah re insaan jisne rupayia banaya.
Kisiki muskurahat kisika ashq hai tu
Ek bebasi hai jab aaye nahi tu
kitne haath khoon se range tune
Kitno ko likhna sikhaya
Teri mannat ne thake pairon ko milo chalaya
har lamhe ko tune apna ghulaam banaya
Kisiki saason ko bhi apna mohtaj banaya
teri buniyaad ke saare rishte khokle hain
Kitno ko becha tune kitno ko kharida hai
zamane ko kharida tune par rooh na khari
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
This post is a gratitude to all those people who took their time out to read my blog. I am truly thankful to you. When I started blogging in October 2012, I wasn't even sure if anyone would read my content! But today, with all the love and appreciation that you guys have given me, I feel blessed. It feels great when you comment and appreciate my work, when you inbox me and say that you like my writing style or when I fail to update my blog for long, you ask me as to when am I posting next? Believe me people, its really encouraging. And for someone like me, who took up blogging just a few months ago, there can be no greater motivation than my readers coming up to me and saying and they liked my work...in spite of the fact that I am an armature writer, that my contents are lengthy and a lot of other flaws. When you say that you can "connect" to what I have written, I truly feel satisfied. Thank you so much.
I am still an armature writer. Far from being good. I started this blog to get over some personal issues. There were times I felt drained. I just wanted to throw up everything that was running in my mind. I wanted to speak about every single emotion that I was going through, but I did not know how? Then, I took up writing, I wrote about every emotion that I experienced, analysed their relevance, logic, pros and cons. And a lot more. All this brought me to the discovery of complexities of Human emotions, which are not really that complex! I could somehow manage to describe various emotions that I had felt in a single moment, with immense honesty, practicality and sentiments. All this, just to make myself light and then when you all liked my posts and said that you too can "connect" to them, I had this urge of writing more. Through you all, I have discovered a lot about me. A side of me that I never knew existed!
And all this is what that brings me here today, to dedicate a post to all of you :) Thank you so much dear readers :)
Coming soon on this blog:
Why we hurt people?
Insecurities in love
Being Compassionate makes life beautiful
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
"Chanchal, don't make me feel that your ex was right for what he did to you."
That was a blow! How could he even comment that way without even being aware of all the necessary details? I tried to keep my cool, but things went above my head when he continued his manipulation. His voice and logic itself made it clear that he was lying. Memories of Tarun, the night of August 1, and Sahil's words made me mad. All I’d wanted to speak was well-planned with the expectation that, over the phone, he won’t lie...but he did, this irritated me way too much to be sensible any more. There are something’s we all are sensitive about. For me, it’s fidelity. A lie, just to accuse me of having intentions of making a man an infidel, that was too much for me to take gracefully.
August 5 was the last when we spoke. That night, I very calmly explained him my perspective, but all in vain. He stressed only on the numerous irritating calls I made. I wanted to shift his focus and make him understand what I exactly felt on the night of August 1, but that wasn't the right time.
What I could not digest from that call was his statement that,
"You are being involved in my life more than a mother."
I never tried to control his life. I never told him to do this or do that. We were not committed so I never restricted him from considering any other girl. Never had a problem that he wants to stop the intimacy. I was irritated and questioning only about his lie and manipulation. How does that mean that I am so involved in his life? He always expected honesty from me, what's wrong if I expected the same? Had I lied to him, he would have been upset as well, maybe would have never even spoken to me again. So, if I get hurt at his manipulation and question him for that, how does that mean that I am behaving like his gf or mother?
I realized I needed to know his mind. I called up Neha and took access to her facebook account. Read all the chats between them.
In the chat of August 3, he confessed to her that he had faked the relatinship with Natasha and that he is still emotionally unavailable. he was the same Sahil, who knew what a mess I could be but was still ready to believe in me. All the time I was wondering,
'when he knows me so well, whats taking so long for him to understand what I went through on the night of august 1??'
I then read the chat of August 5, when he had decided not to talk to me ever again. That was a long chat, but one statement stuck me:
"No Neha, Chanchal was never hurt, she just wanted to irritate me and strech things"
Ya...I was never hurt, I just enjoy screaming and screeching silently in pain till 4am in the morning. Its really fun :p. And yes, I just wanted to irritate him and strech things, that was the reason why, when he accused me of the extra marital thing, instead of coming up with various other issues that we spoke of on chat, I just questioned on the concerned matter to clarify things...Huh!
He also mentioned to her that I hurt him. He didn't mention when or how, but I understood that.
Indeed, for bonds that are built on honesty and open communication; giving up, signal communication and manipulation act like poison.
I then remembered what my mentor once quoted to me,
"Chanchal, mind is a complex thing. At times we have something in our mind and we say something else. That’s normal."
That held true for Sahil and me. Our hearts, our minds and our words were in complete disagreement.
Though unknowingly, in our pain/irritation, we both ended up hurting someone we never wanted to see hurt-EACH-OTHER. In irritation he needed time, and due to pain, I was too impatient to wait, but our final intentions were the same, sorting out things....
I didn't contact him for next few days. I had been rude to him, had irritated him to the core, though unknowingly, but left no stone unturned to hurt him...all this in spite of being well-aware of his intentions. I hated myself...yes, his manipulation hurt me too, but two wrongs don't make one right! I don't know why I forget that all the time? But the best was yet to come.
After irritating him to the core, fighting with him and being extremely rude him, on the evening of August 10, all of a sudden, I realised that I love him!
Honestly, I didn't knew hoe this happened! When? I did not had an answer for that either. But as of then, the bottom line truth was that, in the middle of all the fun we had, all the memories we created and all the care we had for each other, I fell him. There was no denying in this and I am pretty happy that when I first realized my feelings for him, I did not chose to live in the mode of denial.
I first informed my close friends. By the time it was mid-night, almost everyone who knew me was informed that I WAS IN LOVE, except Sahil. The feeling of love was amazing, it was after a long time that this beautiful feeling had paved its way into my soul. I cherished every bit of it.
But the next day, I started feeling heavy, for I hadn't told Sahil about it. I spoke about it to Neha. We both were of the opinion that in such situations I should not tell him, but then, considering how heavy I was feeling she advised and convinced me to listen to my heart.
In the evening I texted Sahil that I needed to talk to him and asked when can I call him. No response, so on the morning of august 12, I sent him a text:
"I am takin ur silence as a no 4 cl. msgn u evrythng. pl try to understand. sahil, dere ws nthng lyk dis b4, its jst d day b4 evenin wen i reralised dat i do hav sum feelings 4 u. no, dont worry, m not askin u 4 any commitment, jst informing. u knw wat? 1 year ago itself i assumed this possibility n decided dat if sumthng like this happens, i wont hide it, wil jst honestly say it. Sahil, evn if v wud hav been physical, i wud hav told dis n wud hav chosen to keep d physical intimacy, feelings n frndship independent of eachothr.Dats wat m doin now. sahil, "i love u" is jst an expression of wat i feel n nt a proposal, so just chill....m nt proposing u n nor wil i do tht. i do undrstnd dat ur focus at the moment is ur career n derez no space 4 a relationship in ur life for nxt 4 years ATLEAST. Same wit me Sahil. dekh feelings pe aapka cntrl nai hota, wo bas aa jaate h...bt jahan mera cntrl h, wahan m still d same person. m still nt sure wethr m ready 4 a relation. m 100% sure tht i dnt hav faith in marriage. So relax...I love u bt I'll deal wit it. As a frnd I had 2 b honest to u, bt believe me, u dont hav to worry abt dis. I do undrstnd ur situation n i knw mine as well. tk cre. Hope u undrstnd n sorry 4 evrythng."
He didn’t reply. Maybe, after the entire blunder, he too needed time.
Since I was feeling heavy, I headed for Mount mary. I'm not a religious person but for some reason mount Mary gives me peace. I spent some time there and walked down to bandstand. While walking down, I felt a sense of freedom in me. I felt light...the feeling of love was now entering my soul in true spirits. The cloudy waterfront looked more beautiful and the short walk by it felt so romantic, a smile took over my face for no reason. It was after a long time that I felt this way, and it was really beautiful...
Yes, the memories of the night of August 1 still hurt me. Days are somehow spent in disguise, but the nights were lonely, I had to face myself. The nights that were virtually spent in his arms, were now spent in the teary memories of manipulation. Pain replaced pleasure..
These nights also served as a mirror to me. I realised I didn't had strength left in me. I have always been the types who easily get over things that hurt them, no matter how bad. In past 21 years of my life, this was only the second time I failed. I didn't had the strength to get over Sahil's manipulation...in spite of being aware that it was fake, that his intentions were true, that he cares for me....something about that night, maybe the intentional blame on a topic I am sensitive to, pained me. But yes, not even for a moment did I cry or got upset that I am in love with a guy who doesn't love me or I don't have a future with. Now, that's the power of love.
On one such weak nights, Neha called up. excerpts:
"Chunu, its ok. have faith."
"Neha, darling I have faith. dont worry about me and sahil. Even i dont think much about it. Its all about belonging. If there is no one who is more compatible with us, except for each other, If we belong to each other, today or tomorrow, we'll end up being together and at that time, my reservations about legal commitment and his emotional unavailability wont really matter. And if we don't belong to each other, then we may even get into a relationship today, but it won't last for long. Its all about belonging sweetheart....its all about belonging"
I said all this more to comfort my own self. I do love him, I also understand that just because I love someone doesn't mean that they have to love me the same way, I also believe that as long as you know this, its OK to love anyone, even if they don't love you, but a part of me was worried as to how ill I stay with this? I had assured Sahil that they are my emotions and I'll take care of them and that there is no need for him to worry, but deep within even I wasn't sure if I had enough strength...
Right then, a voice from within me, said;
"Quiet Chanchal. Quiet. If even after all that has happened, you could gather the courage to love someone again, will all your heart, in spite of being well aware of his emotional unavailability, then at the right time, you will also gather the strength to stay with it proudly. Where there is courage, Strength is bound to follow.....remember, its all about belonging..."
I took a deep breath looked at the window, shivered and then suddenly smiled...saw something that petrifies me, but today, it reminded me of sahil as my fear for this very thing was the topic we spoke about on the very first day....CHIPKALI :D
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Around noon, I received a reply from him on facebook. It read,
"I’m leaving Mumbai in an hour...it was awesome to meet you...keep in touch :)"
I almost suffered a mini heart-attack when I first read this. Without realising, tears started flowing down my cheeks; I was sitting with my back rested on the wall, a heavy lump in my throat and my eyes fighting my tears. I read that message again and again, several times, hoping for it to be an April fool's joke, but it wasn't.
I made a call to Aaliya, she stays in my building and during those days, her std. 10th board exams were on. She was having her lunch when I called her, but I was too upset to be considerate. Infact, my tone was seemed to be that of order and I asked her to literally leave her lunch and reach my place. My last words to her on that call were, "I need you."
Aaliya was at my place in 5 minutes. At that time, I was speaking to Neha and Aayushi over the phone. Both of them stayed in hostels. Neha in Jalandhar and Aayushi in Raigad. Aaliya came and sat next to me. Alisha was already there. None of us knew what to say. I was multitasking, sobbing and trying to hide my tears at the same time.
After spending some more time with my girlfriends, I took a deep breath, gathered all my energy, logged into my Facebook account and wrote a stupid, chirpy, upbeat and funny reply to him along with my best wishes for the journey and life in Bangalore. As usual, I was careful to not reflect my sorrow in the message, but I was sure that once again, he would have read between the lines.
It was for this understanding that I never asked him as to why didn't he inform me about his transfer in advance. I knew that he was well aware that this news will make me feel a bit low. Also, even I was well aware that though it wasn't tough for him to tell me this, it wasn't easy either and I could sense this in his reply as well. More so, as we had planned to meet on April 3.
We both had never discussed as to how I would felt when he left for Bangalore or what went on in his mind when he informed me about his departure because we both understood very well that we could do nothing about it as it was a crucial step for him. We chose not to discuss this as whatever we needed to know was already known to us between the lines.
Anyways, after texting him, I told Aaliya to get back to studies and told Alisha, "Ali, I need some time on my own. Please revise whatever we have studied till now. I’m not in a state to study now and need rest."
Alisha understood my situation and nodded in support. I went to another room and cried myself to sleep. All the time, once again, a part of me hoped for it to be an April fool's joke, but it wasn't. Sahil was going for real.
I got up in the evening. For next two days, we had a couple of casual chats. Nothing intimate. I had assumed that we won't be intimate any more but things began to change soon. We were intimate again, on the phone and the web. Nothing, except cities, changed between us.
We did had a longing for each other and it was clearly evident in the stupid excuses I suggested to him to come back to Mumbai despite his work in Bangalore and also in the silly options he gave me to dodge my parents and manage a trip there...all so that we could meet. We still enjoyed the same friendship, honesty, trust, bond, fun, understanding...everything was the same. We enjoyed the same bonding.
In mid-july, he shared with me that Natasha, his colleague, had proposed to him. On a serious note, I advised him to listen to his heart, but on a funny note, being aware of his "Emotionally unavailable" status, I left no chance to tease him...
We spoke so cutely after a long time. No, things weren't rough between us. But for more than a month, they weren't like before either. The paradox that we were still intimate but he was being resistant, slowly started to irritate me. I did try to confront him a couple of times, but got no response on the matter. Although, I tried to keep my irritation to myself, by the end of July, it became evident to him in my behavior.
On the night of August 1. I called him up. Excerpts:
"Chanchal, you are surely going to make Natasha break up with me. Every time I am with her, you have to call! Even now, her call is on waiting and she texted me saying, 'it must be Chanchal, you talk to her first.'"
"Sahil, are you dating her?"
"3 days ago I had sent you an intimate mail, to which you replied. Why didn't you tell me then?"
"Because I wasn't in a mood to tell"
He spoke with such cool as if nothing had happened but even before I’d realised, I was in tears. I felt pain entering my body. In that pain, I called him up again. Call waiting....I waited, after some time, he picked the call and said,
"Don't call me again. If you do so, I'll block you." and disconnected the call. He didn't even hear a single word from me.
I still kept trying. A few minutes later he switched off his cell and slept, but here, my pillow was absorbing my silent yet painful screams till 4am in the morning.
No, it wasn't because he had a girl in his life. Had that been the case, then after having been told of her attraction towards him, I wouldn't have said, "Sahil, what is it that you want? There's no point in holding back if you feel for her."
Nor was it because we wouldn't be intimate anymore. In past two years, we had thought over discontinuing our intimacy, atleast three times and had even stood by our decision for a while. It never hurt nor did I ever get hyper. So, even this wasn’t the reason for my hyper behaviour.
It was something else. Earlier, I was in a relationship and was extremely clear about one thing,
"Tarun (my past), if you are not happy with me, you can leave me any day you wish to. But please, do not break anyone's trust because of what we share."
I said this because, as a friend, Tarun did matter to me, and I didn't want our good moments to suffer or lose his friendship because of what had happened between us. I’d told the same thing to Sahil. But back then, inspite of me being explicitly clear about this, Tarun double-dated, ruining all our good moments and making our friendship suffer because his girl had a problem with me. At that point, it was Sahil who lifted me up and gave me hope but what he said on the night of August 1, was so similar to the past, that it pierced my heart.
Being a girl, I understand a girl's insecurities. Had I been in a relationship with a guy who was earlier intimate with someone else, I would have expected him to officially end things with her, before getting into a relationship with me. Natasha must have expected the same. This entire situation had placed me in a position where I never wanted to be and I was angry at Sahil for this. I felt I owed Natasha an apology.
I messaged Sahil on Facebook expressing my disappointment on the WAY he ended things and requesting him to make me speak to Natasha once as I wanted to apologize.
I calmed myself after that and patiently waited for his reply in the morning. I did get his reply, but with a shocker. On knowing my disappointment, he accused me of having serious intentions of having an extra marital affair with him! Yes, we did speak of an extra marital affair on our chats, but I wasn't in it one alone, he was equally involved, so now how could I be blamed for it? Moreover, I was the one to remind him on a serious note that even though we had planned our extra marital affair, we both knew it wasn’t going to happen as we both believed in fidelity. Also, just like the extra marital affair we had also spoken of getting married and having children...but all that had been said just for momentary fun AND HE KNEW THAT VERY WELL, as most of those topics had been brought up by him.
I was stunned at his behaviour It all seemed so nostalgic. Two years ago, in front of his gf, Tarun had denied his relationship with me and accused me of coming between them, inspite of the fact that I had pleaded him to be faithful, and today, Sahil was behaving in similar fashion.
I got hyper again, pain and fear gripped me. I started calling Sahil vigorously. He blocked my number but I still kept trying, begging him to talk to me once. Calling someone so desperately will surely irritate that person to the core, but I was in pain as well and I needed to know the truth. Of course, 60calls in 45mins are not justified, but my pain wasn’t unjustified either.
Yes, Tarun was my past, but even if I eliminate him from the situation, I still feel that making a girl, for whom fidelity matters, feel that she intentionally plans to ruin your relationship, would obviously bother her.
The same day, I spoke to my friend, Neha, she was also in contact with sahil and had questioned him about this. She read his reply to me. His reply had a sense of fakeness to it...In fact, to neha, he even denied answering my intimate mail. I calmed myself down and recollected his behavior since last night and it suddenly clicked me that he would have never behaved this way had he been in a relationship. He was a "non-senti" person although perhaps, the real Sahil was an extremely sensitive person, having a great command over his emotions and preferred being the "non-senti" type.
Zap! I realized something else as well. As I mentioned things weren't the same between us and I was irritated for that, I'm sure that he MISTOOK my irritation for possessiveness and emotional attraction and hence faked a relationship with Natasha!
Amazing! The second time we thought of stopping our intimacy, he had clearly stated that we needed to stop as he is afraid that we might start feeling for each other. What had happened to him now? Why did he choose to manipulate and hurt me instead of directly confronting me?
My consciences were relieved but I was still upset and irritated that such a good friend of mine, who had always maintained, "I Hate lies"; manipulated me so badly in order to make me feel that I was intentionally trying to ruin a relationship.
He had done the only thing that I hadn't wanted him to do. I felt agitated and in irritation, decided to go for a dinner with Bhavesh. I informed Sahil about this.
On august 3, I met Bhavesh and realized why Sahil hadn’t wanted me to. I hate to admit this, but he was right. That evening, I left the restaurant even before I was done with the starters. During the half an hour that I was there, I’d addressed Bhavesh as sahil at least thrice. I didn’t wanted to think about sahil, but I just couldn't stop..
While Neha was trying to explain to me that I was being too impatient, and even Sahil is bothered with this impatience, my irritation crossed all limits and I told her:
"Tell him to bother only about his pseudo relationship... for which-in reality-he lied to and manipulated me...I'll find a replacement soon (Never meant it)" I said this inspite of Neha informing me that my assumption, about Sahil faking a relationship with Natasha, was correct.
I admit I was wrong. I shouldn't have said that. Yes I was hurt by his manipulation and intentional blame game, but two wrongs don’t make one right. That night, I made several calls to Sahil...being patient was an option, but I was in so much pain that it seemed like the only thing that could calm me was an extremely honest conversation with him.
We finally spoke on the night of August 4. That night, I expected that things would sort out but things turned into a blunder. In my irritation I unknowingly ended up being rude to him. Worse came when he said,
"Chanchal, don't make me feel that your ex was right for what he did to you."
To read the third and final part of this story: "Its all about belonging-Part 3" Click here
Sunday, May 5, 2013
This wasn't the only incident of such sort. In the time that followed, there were a couple of more incidents where I could feel Sahil listening to and understanding my unsaid words.
To read the second part of this story: "Its all about belonging-Part 2" Click here
To read the third and final part of this story: "Its all about belonging-Part 3" Click here
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Throws challenges least anticipated.
I have to conceal my love for you,
How will this be executed?
You understand me beyond words,
You literally read me out.
I am truly amazed...
This time, how did you miss out?
With you, I have always been an open book,
You are an adept at reading my mind.
You predict my moods and know my soul,
how will I hide feelings of this kind?
Someday I ll have to tell you,
why not that day be now?
you may not trust /understand me right away,
But I know, one day, you will somehow.
My faith in my love's intentions is unflinching,
One day, you will believe me as well.
That day could be near or far away,
Hope will be there in my heart's shell.
Friday, April 5, 2013
"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."
-- Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
I recently came across this quote and instantly fell in love with it! This is actually the real truth behind that every heart we call beautiful :) These are not the people with the perfect face or the finest of features or the fittest body...NO. These are just simple people who have a compassionate heart. Were they compassionate since their birth? No, they were not. They have faced the same life that we all do. The difference is that, when they were hurt, they did not close their hearts, instead, they let the pain enter their body, they felt it, lived with it, made peace with it and hence, understood what it feels like to be in pain and resolved not to put someone else in the same situation. These smiling and compassionate people are well aware of the feeling of being misunderstood, being rude to, being typecast-ed...and hence, they have just chosen not to put anyone else in that state and this exercise alone is the basic foundation which made them the kind, understanding, compassionate and sensitive individuals that they are today.
These people have spent innumerable nights crying themselves to sleep. They have seen times when not a single person believed in them. Their life was never perfect and it was never easy either. Perhaps, these people have had one of the toughest lives, but they survived and did not let the negativity around them enter their heart....and ironically, they did this because they lived their lives with an open heart. They were as open to pain, hurt and betrayal as they were to love, loyalty and appreciation. They always choose to live their life by their heart, not their mind and they never regretted this. In fact, they knew that their this approach will surely make them go through pain, that this path would be tough, but they also knew that this is the ONLY way to understand life, to understand people and to understand the complexities of life.
This is what life is all about. Living with an open heart. And this is not being weak, this is just a journey towards the path of being strong and beautiful at the same time. So, there is no reason to avoid this journey in the pretext of being practical or safeguarding ourselves from being hurt. Such kind of safeguarding will act like nothing but a slow poison, deteriorating our soul and overtime, turning us in to insensitive individuals.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Its about being in love with the kid within him.
Love ain't about falling for someone's perfections,
Its about being in love with someone's flaws
Love ain't about being with someone at their best,
Its about handling them, tirelessly, at their worst
Love ain't about believing in them when they are listening,
Its about not giving up even when they are not ready to listen a word!
Love ain't about forgiving when you understand
Its about forgiving even when you are in immense pain
Light in darkness,
Voice in silence,
Faith in ambiguity
Happiness in pain...
That is what love is all about...... :)
Being in love is nothing but:
being kind, wise, selfless and tireless :)